Go Ahead. Read My Body Language.
“So, tell me a little bit about your work.”
When I tell people I coach and present workshops on nonverbal communication, immediately they get nervous. Suddenly, they’re much more worried about how they are coming across than they had been five seconds previously. That’s why, when speaking about my work, I often describe the things I DON’T do: I don’t teach people how to detect deception. I don’t manipulate people or attempt to create “instant rapport.” I don’t make judgments about people based on body odor.
(YES, some body language “experts” do.)
I make a big point in my coaching, presenting, and writing to focus on nonverbal communication as a means to send a congruent message, rather than using it to make up stories about what might be going on in other people’s minds.
YET, we read nonverbals all the time. We do it unconsciously from the time we are born. We are hardwired to pick up on them — in fact, it’s the only way we communicate during the first few years of our lives. Babies usually begin saying words toward the end of their first year, but you don’t have to spend much time with an infant to discover that they send and receive nonverbal signals long before vocalizing “mama” or “dada.” (Or “uh-oh,” which was my daughter’s first word.)
Thus, the contradiction: We “read” and respond to body language and other nonverbal cues continually and have been doing so from the time we were born; BUT I say that none of that will tell you what a person is thinking. How can both statements be true?
Now to get all brainy on you… You’re probably familiar with some of the differences between the left and right hemispheres of the brain:
Yep, there you have it. The left side of the brain speaks and listens to words. The right side of the brain sends out and picks up on nonverbal cues.
A right brain process will not give us words.
What we communicate nonverbally has to do with our emotions, our free associations, our latent (unconscious) memories, and other stuff we may not be able to articulate. It goes deeper than words. Imagine someone you love reaching up and caressing your face. Can words express all the emotion, history, chemistry, and connection that are in that touch? There are no words. Even poets use words only as tools to arouse emotions and evoke imagery.
Right brain communication is a deeper, richer, gut level “language” that fosters connection and gets to the heart of the matter. But as soon as you attach a thought, an intention, or a motivation to the physiological cues you’re picking up on, you’ve lost your ability to be aware, to adapt, to respond, and to connect.
The problem is we live in a verbal world and we need language to survive. We have to find a way to take in the unconscious nonverbal signals we receive and decode them in a respectful, responsible way.
How? Here’s a place to start:
1. Pay attention. What cues and clues are people giving you?
2. Stay open. If people haven’t given you words, don’t attach your own.
3. Be curious. Find out where the nonverbals you’re seeing are coming from (especially if they are signs of discomfort, like sighing, touching eyes, tensing hands or feet, holding breath). Sometimes you can just ask! Otherwise, you modify your own behavior and see whether it increases or decreases distress, and go from there.
We can’t ignore the nonverbal cues we receive from others. Our brains are hardwired to note them! We can, however, stop making up stories and start using that information to communicate better.
So let me tell you a little bit about my work: I teach people to communicate in a way that cultivates connections and progress by harnessing the deep, rich, powerful “language” known as nonverbal communication.
Change your communication, change your life.
I’m Rachel Beohm, a writer, speaker, and coach. Through nonverbal communication, I empower clients to show up as their biggest, boldest selves.
