How to Fix Passive-Aggressive Communication

Direct, affirmative communication promotes peace and power.

Passive-aggressive communication kills both. When you want something from someone, expect resistance, and then try to circumvent it by going covert with your feelings or expectations, voila! you get passive-aggressive communication. It’s a sneak attack.

When you’re on the receiving end, the words sound nice, but feel gross. Passive-aggressive communication presents a confrontational message in a pleasant disguise. It’s nice to your face with an undercurrent of spite. And remember: if there’s a mismatch between your words and your nonverbals — your tone, your facial expressions, your body language — people go with the nonverbals every time.

Passive-aggressive communication doesn’t fool anyone. It just destroys trust, rapport, and relationships. It’s an adversarial approach! Naturally… it makes enemies.

So how do you avoid this? Flip the formula: Be direct and unambiguous with your words, while communicating goodwill nonverbally.

I admit, I’m not the first person to say this:

• Brené Brown says: Be clear and kind; because clear is kind.
• Kim Scott says: Challenge directly while caring personally.
• Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila…